Welcome to my Bill Clinton Website, as y'all know he got up Monica Lewinsky's skirt. Well, heres a page full of Bill Clinton Jokes. This is also Freedom of speech. E-mail me with new Clinton Jokes and I'll put them on my website at CamaroZL1@juno.com.
What Do You Call It?
The wives of four Presidents and Prime Ministers are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia people call it a patriot, because it always rises to the occasion.
The wife of Chirac says in France people call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Hillary says in the USA people call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
Wake Up Bill
Bill and Hillary were asleep in bed. Hillary wakes up Bill. "Bill, Bill, wake up, I have to pee!"
Bill says, "You woke me up to tell me you have to pee?!"
Hillary says, "No, I woke you up so you could save my place!"
Nineteen Ninety Two
"Every time (the president) talks about trust it makes chills run up and down my spine.
The very idea that the word 'trust' could ever come out of his mouth after ... the way he has trampled on the truth is a travesty of the American political system."
So said Bill Clinton of George Bush in 1992
Clinton's Driver Kills a Pig
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?" asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."
Three Dwarfs and the Guiness Book of Records
Three dwarfs are walking by the publishering house of the "Guiness Book of Records". One dwarf say, "I bet I can get into the record book for having the smallest feet." He goes in and comes right back out with a big grin on his face. He is in the book for the smallest feet.
A second dwarf says, "Well, I bet I can get in for having the smallest hands." He goes in and is back in a snap. He is in for having the smallest hands.
The third dwarf seeing all this says, "Surely then I can get in for having the World's smallest penis. He goes in and is quickly back with a big frown on his face. The other two dwarfs ask what's the matter. The third dwarf says, "Who's Bill Clinton?"
Four Presidents on a Sinking Ship
Four Presidents are on a cruise ship which is taking on water and sinking quickly.
Ford Yells: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan yells: "Women & children first"
Nixon yells: "Screw the women & children!"
Clinton yells: "Do you think we have time?"
The Clinton Computer
Have you heard about the new computer model?
Its called Bill Clinton.
It comes with a six inch hard drive and no memory.
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Wins ton Churchill."
"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
Why Clinton Cheats.
Dole and Viagra
Former U.S. Sen. Bob Dole announced that he was a test subject for the anti-impotence drug Viagra. "It is a great drug," said the retired senator, who was earlier diagnosed with prostate cancer.
The next day, Dole's wife Elizabeth was asked about the drug. "Let me just say ... it's a great drug."
Mrs. Clinton, on the other hand, is asking Pfizer (the creators of Viagra) if they can develop a new drug... Anti-Viagra.
Clinton and Falwell on a Plane
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
Poetications de Monica
Entry # 1:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2:
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry # 3:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
New Presidential Cure
Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of ladies panties on his arm. Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was doing now. After about an hour one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties on his arm.
Clinton replied, "Oh, that? It's the patch. I'm trying to quit."
They're Gonna Neuter Buddy
I heard on the news recently that they are going to neuter Buddy, the First Dog. Maybe I'm missing something, but haven't they got the wrong guy?
Clinton's Pick for the Final Four
Now that the Final Four is over, we have recovered President Clinton's NCAA bracket and found out that his picks for the Final Four were as follows:
Mr. Clinton's Clock
The prez asked a new young female intern if she would like to see his new clock. She agreed, and he closed the Oval Office door, removes his trousers, and exposes his male appendage.
Shocked, the intern says "Mr President, that does not look like a clock."
Bill says, "With a face and two hands on it it would!"
Monica's Diary Entries...
I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House.... and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.
You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them.
He really likes me.
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900 Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.)
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?"" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.
Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.
I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related to.
It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by-he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."
All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie doll in the back.
Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagon. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Whatshisname a job at Revlon. (God, it's a no brainer!)
They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president. I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.
Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.
They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!
Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!
I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite: Good Bill Humping. I hope Speilberg will direct.
'Twas The Night Before Impeachment
'Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House, All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.
The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.
When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.
With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!"
"From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!"
And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.
No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.
The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.
And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.
He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him "The Jerk."
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose.
He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
"Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night."
Wild Bill Forever
Why is Bill Clinton's favorite White House room the Blue Room?
You can't corner anyone in the oval office.
What's Bill's favorite garden tool?
The White House scandal wasn't really Bill's fault. It was just something he got sucked into.
What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story?
NOW she decides to open her mouth
Bill and Hillary in Arkansas
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On day they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smiled and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."
Clinton and Gone on Air Force One
Bill Clinton and Al Gore are flying along in Air Force One when Bill says, "I am going to throw a $20 bill out the window and make one person happy."
Al Gore says, "I am going to throw two $10 bills out and make TWO people happy."
Bill then says, "I am going to throw out FOUR $5 bills and make FOUR PEOPLE
The pilot overheard this and says, "Why don't you both jump out and make everybody happy?"
Parrot at the White House
While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage. The housekeeper knew the first family would be devastated at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously been owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper bought the bird anyway and took it back to the White House.
The morning after the Clinton's return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young."
A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old."
Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!"
State of the Presidency
President Clinton may indeed "feel my pain" as he says. I can't help but wonder though if he realizes that he's the cause of most of it. I'm give 'em this, the Clintons are trying to keep a low profile these days and watch
their step. The other day, at a State dinner, smoked salmon was served. Co-President Hillary leaned over to Clinton and whispered, "For Heaven's sake Bill, please don't inhale."
One of the newscasters the other night posed the question as to whether Clinton had tarnished the Presidency. Nah !!! I mean look at the new Secretary of State, Bubbles LaRue, why just the other day, as she concluded her press conference with a fan dance, she...
And another thing Clinton has improved upon is his staff job functions. This marks the first time that the Director of Internal Affairs really does manage and schedule "affairs".
One thing that the kids will miss this year though is the annual White House Easter-time "roll on the lawn". From what I understand no one under 18 is to be admitted.
I do find it in questionable taste though, when Clinton asked the two female members of the Supreme Court (Sandie and Ruthie) to provide centerfolds for the official portrait of the Court.
I'm also quite concerned about Clinton's decision to establish temporary command centers for his personal use in Canada and England should any hostilities break out with Iraq. I guess old habits are hard to break.
All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other scandals he's been accused of participating in.
Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the "Bill-Gates". No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his powerand prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of.. ummm... , the same thing. Oh well, we'll think of somethng.
Spin, Spin, Spin
Whitehouse press spokeswoman Joan Braithwaite has delivered the following statement to media regarding accusation involving impropriety between President Clinton and Miss Lewinsky:
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, anddecided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlinagreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet withthem one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"
Clinton's One Hour Cruise
(Sung, if possible, to the tune of Gilligan's Island)
Oh sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started in Hope, Arkansas
'Tween Jennifer Flowers' hips
Her date was the mighty governor,
Bill Clinton was his name.
One night he met young Paula Jones
And on to her he came.
And on to her he came.
Whitewater started getting rough.
His mighty dick was lost.
If not for the help of the Highway Patrol,
He couldn't get it off,
He couldn't get it off.
Willie left town and settled in this gorgeous new White House
With Hillary, that damn cat too,
The Vice-President and his wife,
Kenneth Starr, and a bed
Here at Slick Willie's Place!
So this is the tale of our President,
He shows nothing now but class.
Nothing can distract him
Except a piece of a**.
The First Lady and Tipper too
Will do their very best
To see that Willie's comfortable
In his government love nest.
He moves, he strikes, he reels them in,
He feels the passion burn.
Before she knows just what is up,
He's banged the new intern.
So join us here in court my friend,
I'm sure that you'll be pleased.
Just give your deposition
Down upon your knees.
Political Game Show
Tony Blair, Prime Minister of Great Britain, Jacques Chirac, President of France, and
Bill Clinton, the U.S. President, were in a contest to determine which of them was the greatest lover.
First question was to Tony Blair: "If you are on a first date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"
Blair: "On the lips?"
Judge: "That's right!"
Second question was to the Jacques Chirac: "If you are on a second date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"
Chirac: "On ze breasts?"
Judge: "That's right!"
Third question was to Bill Clinton: "If you are on a third date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"
Clinton: "Don't ask me; I missed both'a them first two questions!"
Top 14 Nicknames for the President's Member
1.The Speaker of the House
4.The Sin Doctor
5.Hail to the Beef
6.The Secret Servicer
7.The Pocket Veto
8.The Cabinet Member
9.Titanic (because 1,500 people went down on it)
10.The Gross National Product
11.The Washington Monument
12.The Commander in briefs
13.The Washington Post
14.The Executive Branch
Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her
gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the white house.
When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk. You got me pregnant!!!
The President remained silent. Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU #$@? GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered "Who is this???"
Clinton's Favorite Things
(Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things".....)
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad......,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feeeeeeel.......so baaaaadddd!
The Top 15 White House Valentine's Day Poems
After years of indiscretion,
at last I've come to learn,
that I must send this Valentine,
To Whom it May Concern.
Valentine, I think you're great,
a Chief Executive who can delegate.
And you warm this First Lady's heart,
by having interns do the unpleasant part.
On most every day,
I like McDonald's fries.
On Valentine's Day,
I prefer Monica's thighs -- Super Sized!
Will you deny, Valentine?
Hey, Big Creep, on Valentine's Day,
we'll play Marilyn and JFK.
Just make sure that Hillary's gone,
'cause you get me interned on!
How do I love thee?
Let me count the entries in the visitors' log.
Monica, Monica, quiet young mouse
taking her Bill to the floor of the House.
Hi there! Happy Valentine's day!
Sorry to serve your subpoena this way.
Roses are red, then they turn gray,
My heart goes pitter-pat
when you wear that beret.
Shall I compare thee to my high school drama teacher?
Twinkle, twinkle, Kenneth Starr,
I talked to Vernon in the car.
I promised him my lips are sealed,
but I'll change my mind, for a sweet book deal.
As soon as I'm finished bombing Iraq,
I'd like to get you in the sack.
Will you, on the night in question of February 14th, be my Valentine?
Violets are blue,
roses are thorny.
All hell breaks loose,
when Bubba gets horny.
I'll bomb Iraq, I'll bomb France,
If you'll remove my underpants.
The Clinton's on a Chicken Farm
One day, the President and his wife were on separate tours of a government farm. When the First Lady passed the chicken pens, a rooster was having hardcore sex with a hen. In a discreet manner, she asked the head chicken attendant if the rooster boned a hen more than once each day.
"Dozens of times," the attendant said.
"Please tell that to the President," said the First Lady.
When the President passed the pens, the head chicken attendant complied with the First lady's request. The President asked, "Same hen every time?"
"Oh, no, Mr. President, a different one each time," said the chicken attendant.
"Tell that to the First Lady," said the President.
I really liked Ken Starr's TV appearance the other day. He jumped up and down, tore off his coat & threw it to the ground, waved his arms, pounded the podium with both fists, and stomped his feet, for a full minute, all without saying a single word.
Then he said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, now that I have fully and completely answered the arguments of both the Clintons and their learned counsels, I'll discuss the facts of this case with you."
Late Night with Bill Clinton
WARNING: May be offensive to American Politicians, interns, trees, conspiracy buffs, celebrity tree bashers, OJ Simpson, lawyers...Clinton has decided to move to North Carolina, but he can't decide between Blowing Rock (in the mountains) or Morehead City (by the sea)!!
What happens when Clinton takes Viagra?
He stands straight and gets taller.
Clinton ?'s and answers.
Q: How many White house interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they are all too busy screwing the president!
Did you hear what the FBI found in Monica Lewinsky's dress?
A wad of bills
Only in America...
Only in America,
"The Teflon Don in the Big House"
"The Teflon Dong in the White House".
More Clinton Jokes...
What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
Screwdrivers turn screws but Clinton screws interns.
In a surprise interview, Monica was asked about the details of her late night meetings with the President...
"I can't remember the details, she said, but I know the answer is on the tip of my tongue!"
Why did Bill give up the saxophone for Monica?
Its easier to play, she does the blowing!
Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex.
Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.
Today's headline read: "Clinton Probe Expands".
It turned out to be a direct quote attributed to Monica Lewinsky.
The Democrats are considering changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands for inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
The 1998 Winter Olympics are under way in Nagano, Japan. CBS has promised 128 hours of coverage... that is, unless Monica Lewinsky gets a hair cut or something. (O'Brien)
The news this week is hot... even my Newsweek came in a plain brown wrapper.(Leno)
Newsweek and Time both have cover stories about the sex scandal. Meanwhile the Star and National Enquirer ran full coverage on the pope's visit to Cuba. (Cutler Daily Scoop)
Monica Lewinsky and her Brentwood neighbor OJ Simpson have similarities. They were both scoring champions in college, neither can explain the stains on their clothes and both have sore knees. (Leno)
A former co-worker says Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al Gore was.Okay, so now we know she's attracted to anything that does and doesn't move.(O'Brien)
To his credit, Clinton is now defending Lewinsky, saying she was no different from any other White House intern. "She takes my pants off one leg at a time, just like everyone else."
While he was campaining for office, Clinton told young people they should wait to have sex. Now we know what he wanted them to wait for. Him. (Leno)
Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He *is* creating high paying jobs for young people.(Leno)
Instead of firing Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, maybe Clinton should have followed her advice.
You know, I think this whole thing started because interns are underpaid. Secret Service agents make $75,000 a year and they only have to take a bullet for the president. (Leno)
Hillary just hired a new White House intern.....Lorena Bobbitt
Bill Clinton is designing his new presidential library.
I understand that it will have an "Adults Only" sign at the entrance.
Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom? That's because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
Clinton Sings Dixie
(Sung to the tune of "Away Down South in Dixie")
Oh I wish I was in Little Rock again,
Good times there are not spoken.
Look away, look away, look away
Tried to commit perjury
Got got with a girl on her knees.
Look away, look away, look away,
I'll divert attention away from me,
You'll see, you'll see.
I'll figure out a way to say it best,
They don't call me "Slick" for nothing.
Away down there in DC
I can't get caught up in this
I must get to the country's biz.
Look away, look away, look away
Just trying to suppress evidence
Now I might get charged
With obstruction of justice!
Look away, look away, look away
The Special Prosicutor has me
Oh won't you all pray for me?
The Get's about to Give.
Away down therrrrreeeee in DC
Top Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's
Intern Performance Report
Truly an eager beaver.
Uses too much teeth.
Stays late, comes early.
Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
Frequently complains of jaw pain.
Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
"In box" is always clean and shiny.
Tends to blab on the telephone.
This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.
Dr Seuss Starr vs. Clinton
I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see--
Did you grope
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there--
I did not do that
I did not do that
Near or far--
I did not do that
I have some tapes
more than a few
they all suggest
she's in love with you
She knew you "well"
That's the word around town
Was she quite kind
While your pants were down?
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
I guess at first I was not clear
Was there a banana in your ear?
I did not touch here or there
I did not touch her anywhere.
Did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
I do not like you
I think that you
Have gone too far.
Was it worth it?
Was it fun?
You and an intern
With your belt un-done
I will not answer
Perhaps I will to
Start a war!
The public's easy
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!
Its a perfect plan,
as you will see
they despise Saddam
even more that me!
Similarities between Nixon and Clinton
Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burning
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bring widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Giddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
Clinton and Abortion
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
It's a Short Clinton Party
Q: What does Ted Kennady have that Bill Clinton wants?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Have you heard that Monica is going to marry the unabomber?
Her surname will be Monica Lewinsky-Kazinski.
It's a mouthful, but she can handle it.
Why does Hillary have sex with Bill every morning?
Because she wants to be the First Lady.
Q: What were Clinton's first words to Paula Jones at the deposition?
A: "So now you open your mouth!"
Did you hear? Gore is only one orgasm away from the presidency.
The lawyers are loving it. With all the new Special Prosecuters being appointed in Washington these days, there has been quite a drain on lawyers within several hundred miles of the DC area. You can't even get a lawyer in Philadelphia right now. They're all moving to Washington.
Why hasn't Bill Clinton been playing the saxophone lately?
He's taken up playing the whore-monica instead!
Clinton has threatened to give Sadham the "Monica Lewinsky" treatment". That is, "To bring him to his knees".
"I didn't tell her to lie in her deposition...
I told her to lie in this position".
George Bush has dinner with Clinton
Headline- Clinton gets Bush in White House
Mr. Bill is now known as the"Unibanger"
The whole issue is becoming known as "Tailgate"!
A poll was taken among female government workers in Washington, D.C.; They were asked if they would have sex with President Clinton if he asked, and 72% of them responded, "Not again".
If Paula Jones' lawsuit against Bill Clinton is allowed to go forward, can Hillary be indicted for tampering with the evidence?
You know, I don't know what the big deal is with Paula Jones. She wanted a job with Clinton, and he offered her a position on his staff.
What does Hillary Clinton do in the morning after she shaves her pussy?
She puts a tie on the Son of a Bitch and sends him downstairs to go to work.
Why is Hillary always on top?
Because Bill can only screw up!
Fellow Democrats are coming to Clinton's aid.
Ted Kennedy offered to drive her home.
Remember the girl from the Dorito commercial during the Superbowl, she did a split and caught a dorito with her mouth. Today she was offered an internship at the White House.
Q: How do you break Bill Clinton's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Top Ten Other Changes President Clinton Has Made at
the White House
From the Late Show with David Letterman (1 August)
1.Alarm outside bedroom sounds when Hillary is approaching.
2.Pillars on front porch replaced by Golden Arches.
3.On front lawn, enormous marble statue of Clinton with his pants around his ankles.
4.White House tour now clothing optional.
5.New state of the art gym in case Tubby ever gets off his fat ass.
6.Sound-proofing to block noise of George Washington spinning in his grave.
7.New passcode: One knock for hookers, two knocks for pizza.
8.All furniture now stuffed with shredded Whitewater documents.
9.New sign: "If this Oval Office is rockin', don't come knockin'."
10.Hot and cold running gravy.
APPLICATION FOR WHITE HOUSE INTERNSHIP
Greetings prospective White House interns! ---------------------------------------
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ... Getting involved in executive branchaffairs is just fantastic."M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at email@example.com
Sex: F__ Age:
(required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) MidEast policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a,
2 for each b,
3 for each c,
4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Sam (and Uncle Bill) wants you.
Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in
this program. The White House is an equal opportunity abuser.
Dan, Newt and Bill in OZ
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a limo when a tornado picks up the car and lands it miles away. When they get out of the car they realise that they are in the Land of OZ. They decide to go see the wizard while they are there. When they get there Quayle asks the wizard for a brain. Gingrich asks the wizard for a heart. Bill Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy"?
Top Ten White House Jobs For Interns That Sound Dirty
From the January 26 Late Show with David Letterman
1.Polishing the presidential podium
2.Unwrapping the Big Mac
3.Taking Buddy for a walk
4.Handling the Hotline
5.Vacuuming under the Oval Office desk
6.Waxing Air Force One
7.Shaking hands with the French ambassador
8.Giving the President an oral briefing
Top 15 Things Heard Coming From the Oval Office
1.Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?
2.If this gets out, I'll be ruined.
3.If I can't get this out, *I'll* be ruined.
4.If I could convince Hillary to do that just once...
5.Now you know why they call me 'Slick Willie'.
6.You took the job as a White House "in-turn" didn't you?
Well, now it's your turn.
7.I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that Iwould be one of them.
8.Somehow, I don't think that Alan Greenspan would explain inflation *that* way.
9.I've always said, "I want to be a 'hands-on' president."
10.When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought you meant the latest Gallup Survey.
11.I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Socks sharpening her claws.
12.When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isn't exactly what I thought you meant.
13.Hmmm... "Maybe Chelsea's idea of a sorority slumber party at the White House is a good idea after all...."
14.Is this one of the Presidential duties that you said the Paula Jones trial would interfere with, Mr. President...
15.If you think that's 8 inches, I can see why you thought your last budget was balanced!
Q: Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A: The Nation!
Q: What is the newest game at the White House these days?
A: Swallow the Leader!
Q: Why does Clinton wear pants?
A: Ankle Warmers
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic!
Q: Why did Kenneth Starr go after Monica Lewinsky?
A: Because he though she really blew it...
Q: Where did Bill Clinton buy the dress for Monica Lewinsky?
Q: What movie does Bill Clinton show to seduce White House interns?
A: Free Willy
Q: What was Yasser Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?
A: Goats don't talk...
Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"
Q: How does Clinton wear his Boxers Shorts?????
A: Around his ankles!!!!!
Q: Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A: The nation.
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: How can you tell which one of the White House interns is the head intern?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees.
Q: Why doesn't Monica eat bananas?
A: She can't find the zipper.
Q: How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
A: "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
The Pope and Clinton
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up,Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.
Clinton Goes Jogging
Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute.
She sees this and calls out "Fifty dollars!"
He's tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back "Five!"
She'd disgusted and turns away and Bill continues his jog. A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts.
Bill answers her "Five!" No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells "See what you get for five dollars!"
Top 10 New Pieces of Evidence Against Clinton
1.McCurry accidentally calls the president's office the "Oral Office."
2.Initial chapter of now disgruntled First Cat Socks' tell-all book hitting the
3.GSA reports that Clinton asked for a portable carpet shampoo machine.
4.Bumper sticker on Gore's car "Don't blame me, I voted for Dole."
5.Robert Bennett replaced as Clinton's lawyer by DNA specialist/OJ lawyer Barry Scheck.
6.Hillary's affidavit that she has "better taste in women than Bill."
7."Take a number" machine found in West Wing dumpster
8.Monica's Day-Timer-- 10-10:30pm "Sax" lessons w/President
9.Buddy's dog collar found in Monica's Watergate apartment.
10.Another gift from Bill -- Presidential kneepads
Clinton to the Monuments
Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington Monument. He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."
Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said, "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"
Top 11 Clinton Excuses
11. Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top!
10. I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV
9. She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16
8. Hey, at least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Gennifer Flowers
7. I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my second term in office.
6. I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname
5. I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90s, I sent her an E-MAIL!
4. See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!
3. My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William KENNEDY Clinton.
2. I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans -- Oops, I mean it was in my genes.
AND for those of you who remember the famous "I didn't inhale," comes the now soon to be famous #1 excuse.......................
1. "I didn't insert..."
The Top 16 Signs Your White House Internship Is
1.The President lets you ride on "Air Force One", if you know what I mean.
2.Boss not only implements "Casual Fridays" but also "Topless Tuesdays."
3.You've just leapfrogged Al Gore in the line of succession.
4."Oooh, yeah, baby -- I'll make you a White House Secretary... Assistant Chief of Staff... ohhh... Ambassador to Sweden!... Supreme Court Justice!!!
5.The President has the Secret Service detail your '91 Taurus.
6.Buddy no longer wastes time sniffing both your crotch and the President's.
7.After your first "meeting" with "The Boss," you move up 2 tax brackets.
8.As if national publicity, a $1M movie deal, and $10M in Democratic hush
money wasn't enough, the Paula Jones Foundation for Homely Women has
donated $20K to you for a full makeover.
9.You get to sit on Gore's lap during the State of the Union Address.
10.You know the White House like you know the back of the President's head.
11.Your per diem is bigger than Peru's GNP and your only duty is to keep silent.
12.The first lady invites you on a private ski weekend.
13.The Vice President isn't the only "stiffie" you've seen in the White House.
14.Performance review rated you a "10" in the category "Ability to turn-on the president with your hillbilly good looks."
15.Al Gore's pulse jumps up to 3 when you pass by.
16.It ain't Keats, but for Bubba, "Shall I compare thee to a Big Mac" is pretty damn romantic.
1.Sears is making a tool in honor of Bill Clinton....the Clintondriver...screws everything guranteed.
2.Bill must have a screw loose...loose women that is...every night.
3."Hi, my name is Bill and I ....."
4.Which rises faster, elevators at the Empire State Building or Bill Clinton?
5.Bill's words to Hail to the Chief..."Hail to the chief, he's only wearing a leaf...come on upstairs, it will only be breif!"
6.Chelsea & Socks, the only things Bill hasn't screwed!
8.Clinton's Alibi for his behaviour: "As you all know, I won't be president forever. I was studying anatomy for this class..."
9.Clinton's Second Alibi: "Well my first marriage was only in beta...."
10.Clinton's Third Alibi: "I was just playing doctor...."
11.Recent Seamen's Furniture Order: Oval Bed delivered to 1600 Pensylvania Ave. Use back door...
12.Clinton's Favorite line in a Bruce Springsteen song: "...from the front door to my back seat..."
13.Clinton's Favorite line in a Door's song: "Oh show me the way to the next little girl..."
14.Question on a logic test in Harvard: "Which amounts to less: women who have not slept with Clinton or the population of South America?"
15.Clinton's Fourth Alibi: "I was just looking for the Easter Eggs..."
16.Clinton's Fifth Alibi: "I was looking for a wire..."
17.Who? What? Where?
18.What happens when Clinton visits Chelsea at college? They pass out LOTS of trojans...
19.Clinton's favorite pickup line: "Would you like to meet the First Penis?"
20."But Bill, you said I would get to see the space program and that is NOT
21.Do they have Presidential Seals on the condoms? Soon, everyone will know...
Poke but Don't Penetrate
He says he poked a little, but he didn't penetrate.
And we thought Nixon was the Tricky Dick!
Now we know why Bill Clinton wears underwear: To keep his ankles warm.
Clinton: I didn't do it; but if I did, it was out of love for Hillary.
Name that Scandal: Winner: Zippergate. First runner up: Tailgate.
Be easy on Bill. To paraphrase Alice Roosevelt (on FDR and Eleanor), after all,he does have Hillary. I bet Bill and Hillary had a long night last night.
Hillary says she doesn't mind since she doesn't want Bill in "that" way.
What do a clitoris and the emergency defense button have in common?Bill
Clintons finger. Should we rename it The Oral Office?
Clinton and Baseball
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw out the first PITCH!'"
Clinton and the Genie
Clinton is taking his morning run on the beach, when he finds a bottle that has washed up with the tide. He opens the bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says I will give you one wish. Clinton thinks and says well how about peace in Bosnia?
The genie says where is Bosnia?
So, Clinton pulls out a map and gives him complicated directions. The genie gets so confused that he says "Do you have something a little closer by?
Clinton thinks and says well, I'd like you to like make my wife, Hillary, an honest woman.
The genie says, Whoah! Let me see those directions to Bosnia again!
Clinton's Knee - Good News, Bad News
The bad news is President Clinton hurt his knee and had to have surgery to repair the damage. The good news is, the doctors used a local anesthetic, Clinton was conscious the whole time, and so there was no transfer of Presidential powers to VP Gore.
Please be careful Mr. President........
Architect or Politician Brains
Hector, being an idiot, decided to have a brain transplant. He went to the hospital and was given the choice of two brains: an architect's brain for fifty dollars and a politician's brain for ten thousand dollars. "Does that mean the politician's brain is much better than the architect's?" asked Hector. "Not necessarily," said the brain surgeon, "it's just that the politician's brain has never been used!"
Air Force One Crashes!
Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice President Gore, and their wives. Being the very important people that they are, St. Peter greets them personally at the Pearly Gates and informs them that they have been granted an audience with God. They are lead by St Peter to a tremendous thrown room. The Supreme Being, of course, is seated upon the thrown.
"And who might you be?" God asks of the Vice President.
"I am Albert Gore Jr, Vice President of the United States of America".
"Ah, yes. You have done much for the environment. Love your work. Come sit on my left. And you there, who are you?"
"Your holiness, I am William Jefferson Clinton, President of the United States." "Right. You are a brave man who has confronted some difficult issues. Come sit on my right. Now, who might you be?"
"My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and YOU are sitting in MY seat."
National Registry of Sex Offenders
I hear that President Clinton has started a National Registry of Sex Offenders. His little black book was full.
President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"
A Pig for Hillary
President Clinton returned to the White House after a short trip to Arkansas. He gets off the helicopter and he has this pig under one arm. This isn't just an ordinary pig mind you, this is a fine Arkansas Razorback Pig. You can easily tell the President is proud to have it.
The sharp Marine salutes the President and says, "Excellent pig Sir."
The President shows off the pig and exclaims, "Yeah, I got this pig for Hillary." The snappy young Marine says, "Excellent trade Sir."
Hillary Special at KFC
Two small breast, two large thighs and a left wing.